Adjusting to Life Sober

It's been an unbelievable three months or so. Today I have 87 days clean. I'm still going strong and things are getting much better around here. There is so much that I do today that I wasn't able to do before. I didn't realize how much I neglected the people and things in my life until I was about 2 months into recovery.
My daughter is two and a half years old now and I missed a lot of those years. I have always loved her with all my heart but at one point you wouldn't have been able to notice. I spent a lot of my time sleeping ... 12-14 hours at a time. Many times I wouldn't wake up until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon after staying up until about 4 am. Nina (my daughter) would wake up around 12pm and I wouldn't wake up for another 2 hours or so. (God I hate saying these things... I feel horrible). I would turn on the cartoons in our bedroom and she would sit next to me on the bed until I woke up. Finally I would get up and finally I would change her diaper and feed her. At the time, it didn't seem so bad, you know? After all, I was just getting some sleep, right? I was simply relaxing and everyone knew I needed more sleep than the average person! That's what I told everyone anyway.
I would then spend the entire day in the bedroom... doing nothing... eating, gaining weight, being sad and depressed and I still thought I was a busy, productive, responsible individual and mom. It's amazing how warped my thought process had become. I stopped cooking for my man. I would do the laundry every month or so, rather than every week. I never went anywhere so what the hell did I need clothes for? I stopped cleaning my house and for months on end I would tell visitors that we were spring cleaning ... it was the end of summer... the beginning of winter...
I found a job in January of 2008. I would be working from home for a phone sex company. I was happy about getting this job because I knew I could do it well and I didn't want to leave my house. It was a very stressful job and I was online or on the phone for about 14-16 hours of the day. I stopped paying attention to my boyfriend, my daughter, mother and father... No one interfered with my drugs or my job. Now, while I was happy that I was one of the best employees my boss had and I was making good money, I didn't realize that the fire under my ass and my motivation was my addiction. Every penny I made went towards my pills. I bought them illegally from a family friend who worked in a pharmacy. Just in case people do not know, that is a felony. However, never did I EVER think about my purchases being a crime. It was never a crime to me. I now had a $400-500 a week habit.
Being honest with myself about these issues kills me. It kills me to know that I have always been a special person. A driven person. A good and caring woman. I am a very intelligent person and I let addiction drag me down so far... Now I'll struggle for the rest of my life, learning to live again, learning to have fun again, learning to love again and learning to be a productive human being. Many people do not understand how hard it is to come out of an addiction and have to live a sober life. This is what I told my boyfriend: I said, just imagine someone being in jail for 30 years. Imagine having to hide your food, socks, toothbrush, snacks, underwear, and anything else of "value" from inmates all day, every day. Imagine showering with other inmates and having to watch your back all day, every day. Imagine having to fight anyone who crosses or disrespects you in order to protect yourself from the predators of prison all day, every day. Imagine being told what to do all day, every day for 30 years. How can that prisoner handle being tossed out into the real world again? That person will have to learn to walk down the street again, learn how to shower alone without paranoia, learn how to eat a meal like a civilized person, learn to get up and work,be social and affectionate, learn to Live and change the behaviors they've come to know so well... That is an addicts real struggle.
Anyone, anywhere can stop using drugs. Anyone can go to a detox and clean out their system. What we struggle with is staying clean. Not picking up our drug when we cannot handle what life is throwing at us, that's the struggle. Letting go and learning to forgive ourselves for the things we did while using... It's our struggle. Forgiving the people who have hurt us and betrayed us in our lives... That's our struggle. It's my struggle to deal with what I've become, to leave the people that are unhealthy for me, to let go of the resentment I hold toward people in my life, to forgive... to have some faith that pain ends and happiness begins somewhere down the line.
Today, I spend the entire day with my daughter. She has become attached to me in such a way, (and you might think this is silly), she makes me want to cry. Sometimes I want to cry because I couldn't enjoy her before and i regret that. But most of the time, I want to cry because I'm so amazingly in love with her. She really is something special. I didn't feel that motherly connection for a long time. As ashamed as I am of that fact, I know that from here on, things will always be different. As far as my boyfriend goes, we are much more affectionate and happy together. We understand each other so much better now. He's not the only one putting into this relationship. He's not the only one understanding, loving, supporting and giving... I'm doing it too. We spend every evening together and we finally feel like best friends again. We do so much more together and as a family, it's amazing. Every day I think to myself How the Hell was I missing out on this? As far as the phone sex job goes, I quit. I couldn't deal with those people anymore and I'm sure sobriety has something to do with it!
Overall, Life is really, really good. Soooo I can't find a job, I'm working on a degree and I have a few thousand dollars in debt ... I have my life back and that's what is most important. I can't live a life that I do not have. Addiction is not a life. It's a death. And I don't plan to go there again. ;)

I'm Stephanie and I'm an Addict.