Welcome Twenty Ten!

It's been a million years since I've posted but I figured there is no better way to start the New Year than to start my emotional cleanse immediately!

The end of 2008 was unbelievable and painful. With the rehab and recovery kicking off in September, I rang in 2009 with virgin senses - feeling everything as if for the first time. Things sounded different, looked different and all of it was beautiful beyond belief to me. I started working as a waitress in '09 and found that I absolutely loved dealing with people, learning about my co-workers, and finding that I was a helpful human being for once! It has not been my dream to be a waitress but it sure helps my recovery for now. I'm learning to deal with my anxiety and anger ... yes, I've been doing some of the textbook stuff like deep breaths and counting... they work! I just keep reminding myself that I don't have to "go off" on somebody because my anxiety levels are out of control. The anxiety comes down eventually... deep breaths, for me, help that time pass and a few minutes later I am almost back to normal. Try it!

As things were being touched and experienced for the first time in my life, I was also losing the mother I had since I was born. Her addiction has been steadily working to bring her to her rock bottom, which can be a good thing but it's not something any child needs to go through. Yes, when it comes to My parents, I am still their child. The list of wrong-doings this year on her part are too much to begin unleashing! But, for the curious, here's one: I came home from my birthday weekend away at Atlantic City. My birthday is also my Sobriety date. Now, my birthday is also the day my fiance proposed to me! So on a day that is supposed to be amazing for me, I come home to my mother watching my 3 yr. old daughter, slurring like a drunk. She doesn't drink so I knew that she ran out of pain killers and, in her desperation, she popped some Valium. She's done it before so I recognized the signs. My father was supposed to be there with her at all times. But of course, he doesn't understand the condition she's in. He didn't deceive and lie to get a fix with her. I did. He didn't get me hooked when I was a child. She did. There's lots he doesn't know and I spent half of 2009 telling him some of those things. So, in a nutshell, my parents home situation and my relationship with my mother is in the shitter. I didn't say a single word to my mother from September 9th to the holidays in December. I was decent to her because of the holidays and I didn't want to upset or embarrass the family with my problems.

Recovery has been a roller coaster ride for me ... and I am scared out of my freakin' pants of heights! But the highs are as unpredictable as the lows. The highs are more extreme and life changing than the lows. The beauty I see in people every day makes my life something amazing. The joy I can take from someone lending a caring hand out of pure love ... Wow. It has always been the little things make life LIFE. When a young pregnant girl gets on the train, struts her stuff across the cart, rolls her eyes and no one gives up their seat to her ... yes I do the unexpected proudly because her smile will fuel my entire day. When I am waiting on a table in my restaurant and someone scoots the plates over to the edge of the table so that I can reach them with ease ... it makes my day. When a co-worker takes dirty glasses off my table to help me out... that's awesome. There's enough mean and evil in the world to outweigh the beauty any day. Don't compare the two. It's so much easier for people to be mean. Just remember that there is always a reason to do something good. Of the five people that will look down their noses at you for what you do, there is one life you've affected in the most positive way.

Goal #1 for 2010? To have at least one stranger a day remember me for something awesome.

A Little Busy and Thank You:)

I've been a little busy lately and I haven't had much time to get into a post for a while. Even now the baby is asking me "how much hot water do I have to mix with cold to make warm?" ... And in one second she has changed her conversation to the Lysol germs on t.v.....

I hope to write something soon. Between work, keeping this house together, my baby, and my husband... (not quite my husband because he has yet to propose) ... I have no time to focus on much else.

Quickly, I would like to say thank you to the co-workers who have read my blog... both those who have mentioned it to me and those who have not. I never expected anyone to admire my small quest to share my story and I certaintly never expected anyone to be impressed by it. That may seem wierd considering all that I've been through but I've never given myself enough credit for anything anyhow. That will definetely start to change because as bits and pieces of my life become pretty well known to the people around me, I'm becoming less ashamed and more proud of how far I've come. I don't think you ALL will ever understand the enormous role you play in my life. Every comment, compliment, complaint, I remember it all and I apply it all to my life in every way possible. Why do I choose to be a nice person now and why do I tolerate so much from people that don't deserve it? Because I feel the way people touch my life in so many ways and I want to give that to everyone I come in contact with. I'm blessed with something great everyday and I choose to share that...

Worst Day in Music & Pop Culture EVER

Love you Michael. I had my heart set on seeing you perform your last tour & (at the risk of sounding ridiculous to a lot of poeple) I'm heartbroken. I grew up with you and fell in love with you're music and charm from day one. An amazing person, from what I've seen, who never got the chance to redeem yourself from the garbage people put you through.

I'm Unbelievably sad right now. When you see someone on television, in interviews, music videos, award shows, hear their music... well, you can't help but feel as if you know them personally. I knew Michael Jackson. That's how I felt all through my childhood. I knew in my childhood heart of hearts that he was an amazing man blessed with the opportunity to touch more lives than any other human being in pop culture!

God bless his talented and caring soul! Remember Michael for the great work and amazing

things he has done. Most people seem perfect in death, even those that were not.

Michael Jackson was perfection in the music industry and as close to perfection as God allows in the human world.

RIP King of Popular Culture

I'm So Done ...

It's 10:51 pm right now and wowww, am I ever feeling like my relationship with my mother is over.  I think people have this idea that adults cannot feel neglected by their parents.  That idea is ridiculous.  I'm not a child in any sense of the word other than that I came from my mothers womb.   I am her child but, for some reason, she wont act that way anymore.  It's almost as though her obligation to me has been fulfilled and I somehow don't need a mother anymore.  WTF?  

All I did tonight was ask her what she planned on doing about the dog we sort of share custody of (who also anxiety issues) ...  It's a long story but, in short, my mother is living as a rebellious 16 yr. old girl with no responsibilities and that's affecting our relationship beyond repair.  We no longer speak unless I'm dropping the baby off before work, we don't visit each other, take walks... none of the things most mother/ daughter relationships entail.  Also, we all know the story about Mom getting me started on the pills that ruined my life and the other little story about Mom not taking ay action against my molester... people, we can go on for a while here.  Soooo, I kind of feel like she owes me something.  Is that wrong?  (A.D.D. kicking in.... one sec.)

Anyhow, tonights conversation somehow turned into my asking her when she was going to start keeping her promises to me and other frustrating questions of that nature.  My mother has nothing to say to me other than "what do you want me to say?" OR "Are we done for the night?"  What the hell is wrong with people?  If my daughter even hinted toward the idea of not thinking I was a good mom... I would die!  My mom, on the other hand, is sooo wrapped up in her own shit ('scuse the french) to feel anything toward me at all.  What she wants is a pity party... she's somewhat of a martyr and no matter how hard I try to have a sensible conversation with her, we always circle around her ideas that she should "just sit here and do everything for everyone?" OR "You're upset because I'm not Exactly the way you want me to be" OR "I'm 60 yrs old and I'm miserable because of your father"... among her many other amazing expressions of concern.  

Here's the confession that I don't want to make..........

I want my fake and perfect family back.  I want to be proud of the fact that my parents aren't divorced or that I had everything (material) I wanted as a child.  I'm so done with being embarassed and ashamed of so much that I have no control over.  This is consuming me.  When I'm dealing with my mother, I do things that I haven't done for nearly a year.  The minute I got off the phone with her, I threw the phone into the wall and walked out of my apartment and into hers (yes, fortunately for me... I'm right next door to her!) and continued the conversation unsuccesfully.  I just feel like I've given so much of myself to this world in just 24 yrs... I want my innocence back and that can never happen.  A part of me can thank mom for that.  

And in some sick and twisted way... I feel like I'm being unreasonable.  Just like when I was a little girl and I was violated by someone my entire family trusted... I always felt I was wrong to hand down the label of "molester".  I felt like I made a big deal out of nothing and we all know that's dead wrong!  Anyone have advice?  I sure as hell need some.  

I'll be back soon enough I'm sure.  I have some blanks to fill in with these mom stories anyhow.  All those "long stories" I have?  Yep, I'm going to tell them soon! (hehe... I giggle through tears!)

I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict. (ugghhhhh)  

Welcome Back!

I'm sorry blog but, I had to put you on the back burner for a few months... 5 to be exact. I absolutely missed you but I have to admit that I almost didn't come back here. But here I am and I'm continuing to take my recovery further... and further... and furrrrther. Update time :-)

This past weekend (June 5th of '09 ) was not only my daughters' 3rd birthday but it was my 9 month anniversary with sobriety! Yeaaaahhhhh baby! There's no measure for my happiness at this point in my journey. Sure, there are plenty of things I would change about life if I could... but my ability to cope is ... new and unfamiliar, and awesome. Soooo Happy anniversary!

Next bit of good news... I have a job! Wooohooo! (Yes, I'm a little excited.) I'm a waitress and a damn happy one. (hehe) I've had the job for almost 3 months now and the money is helping me get out of the debt I created when I was flushing my life down the toilet. The #1 Most Amazing, Life changing reward for me is ... the recognition I get for being a genuinly good person and (check this out) ... a "sweetheart", "such a nice person", "best waitress I ever had" , "She really cares about us" ... ?? Woahhh, I'm taken aback almost every day at work. You see, it's never been a part of my life to be a caring and sweet person. The people I dealt with in school or at my other jobs.. well, they were friendly with me just for the sake of not having a problem with me. I was nasty, aggressive and always had an attitude of some kind. Anyone that knows me can vouch for that.

(PARDON THE INTERRUPTION... I HAVE TO HELP NINA PAINT HER NAILS. BE RIGHT BACK.)

Okay... my ADD doesn't work well with interruptions. Where was I? Ummmm, being appreciated at work, with people, by friends and co-workers... this has been, by far, the most rewarding experience of my life. Sounds pretty sad huh?? Wellll darling, I lived a pretty sad existance for a loooong time. Anyone struggling with a disease, wether it be addiction or some other emotional or mental condition, can understand how important recognition is to us. I spent so much time doing the wrong thing. I hurt a lot of people and I'm sure no one would've thought I was a truly giving and loving person under all that trash I gave off. What's surprising to me is that I'm not trying hard to be a sweetheart or "most liked" at the workplace. My concern with other peoples' lives and well being has always been inside me ... I guess I just feel comfortable allowing that to become a solid part of my life now. I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was a softie, or weak even... Only I and the readers of this blog know the reason behind the seemingly overcompensated behavior. It's who I am and I'm freakin' proud people!!!

Now, I would love to stick around and blab some more but this child of mine is throwing my ADD into overdrive and I can't focus :) I will make a point to come back. I missed you blog!

**P.S. Thanks to my co-worker who found the blog I honestly thought I deleted from my facebook page (lol). It made me want to come back and keep it going. Don't know why, but it did... so thanks!

I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict ;)

I Got The Serenity ;)

If I had words to explain how awesome it is to let go of those things I cannot control... WOW.
Before beginning my recovery I was consumed with worry. I tried to mentor and control everyone around me. Actually, I believe I was trying to be everyone savior ...? I consider myself an intelligent person and I believe I know much more about life and life's issues then most. I can honestly say that. However, I rarely take the advice I give to so many people. Leading by example WAS something I did not do. A person has to be seriously insane to know so much about life but go against all common sense anyway! That was me. Insane.
The good news now.... ;) I lead by example. NO I am not perfect. I'm far from it. But the difference now is that I don't expect myself to ever be perfect. What I do expect is that I be absolutely happy with my life and myself.
I decided that a big part of taking care of myself in my recovery is to take the advice of my 12 steps and my serenity prayer and let go of those things that I cannot control. When I first started the program, the steps did not seem as life changing as they truly are. It wasn't until I started dealing with my mother and her using that I realized I might have to take my emotional recovery seriously. I found myself angry and frustrated to the point of needing to be physically harmful to the people enabling her. Before my recovery, I wouldn't have thought twice about involving myself in someones business in that way. I always thought I was protecting the people I love by being so involved. It was truly an innocent thing that was extremely unhealthy for me and those around me, I'm sure.
So anyway ... I had to pull myself back and leave my mothers fate to God or whoever could make her better without me driving myself nuts. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to continue being happy in my recovery and my life so that I could lead by example for once! About 4 days ago, my mother decided it was time for her to begin her withdrawals. Two days in, she decided to tell me what was going on and I was shocked because I never truly thought she would take that step. But after I let go and allowed her to take her own steps I guess there wasn't anymore pressure? I should have known better because I'm an addict as well and I know what it feels like to have people breathing down my neck about my problems. But thank God I stopped myself before I really turned anyone off.
OK so I'm going to stop rambling now and come back later in the week for some more blog therapy. Hopefully by then things will still be going well with my mother. And just to reiterate, Letting go is amazing. I can't consume myself with Other peoples' decisions and lifestyles. I don't control them. I can only express my love for the people in my life. There's nothing wrong with giving advice but it's also OK to be a little selfish. There's a good selfish and a bad selfish. Be a good selfish. Take care of yourself and your needs before you try to care for someone else. You're no good to anyone when you're miserable, depressed, tired, lonely, and so on. The best way to lead someone to a life of sobriety or simply to a happier, more fulfilling life is to lead by example. Let everyone around you see how beautiful it can be to take care of yourself spiritually, emotionally and physically. Eventually, people will want what you have. And that's one of the amazing paybacks in recovery. When someone in crisis tells you that they are changing their lives because they want what you have and they want to be like you... What's better than that? What's better than truly helping someone else and not being resented for it because you're all in the business?? ;)
Incredible. If you're reading this and are unsure about how to help someone you love, maybe try laying off a little on the advice and involvement and stick to positive example and expression of love and you may be surprised at what that does. If you are reading this and you're feeling frustrated to the point that you want to fight someone or cuss someone out to hurt them ... please think twice about that. There is no fulfillment in hurting someone deliberately. There's nothing productive that will ever come out of hurting someone physically or emotionally. It took me years to learn that and, although pride suffers a little when you decide not to knock somebody out (hehe), it is worth it in the end because you can be proud of yourself for the right reasons ya know? Anyone reading this ... do the right things for yourself. Bring something good to life and dismiss the negative. Be different and change what you can while letting that which you cannot change suck it! (haha ;)
P.S. You don't have to be an addict to need that serenity prayer... it works for everyone.
I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict. ;)