Worst Day in Music & Pop Culture EVER

Love you Michael. I had my heart set on seeing you perform your last tour & (at the risk of sounding ridiculous to a lot of poeple) I'm heartbroken. I grew up with you and fell in love with you're music and charm from day one. An amazing person, from what I've seen, who never got the chance to redeem yourself from the garbage people put you through.

I'm Unbelievably sad right now. When you see someone on television, in interviews, music videos, award shows, hear their music... well, you can't help but feel as if you know them personally. I knew Michael Jackson. That's how I felt all through my childhood. I knew in my childhood heart of hearts that he was an amazing man blessed with the opportunity to touch more lives than any other human being in pop culture!

God bless his talented and caring soul! Remember Michael for the great work and amazing

things he has done. Most people seem perfect in death, even those that were not.

Michael Jackson was perfection in the music industry and as close to perfection as God allows in the human world.

RIP King of Popular Culture

I'm So Done ...

It's 10:51 pm right now and wowww, am I ever feeling like my relationship with my mother is over.  I think people have this idea that adults cannot feel neglected by their parents.  That idea is ridiculous.  I'm not a child in any sense of the word other than that I came from my mothers womb.   I am her child but, for some reason, she wont act that way anymore.  It's almost as though her obligation to me has been fulfilled and I somehow don't need a mother anymore.  WTF?  

All I did tonight was ask her what she planned on doing about the dog we sort of share custody of (who also anxiety issues) ...  It's a long story but, in short, my mother is living as a rebellious 16 yr. old girl with no responsibilities and that's affecting our relationship beyond repair.  We no longer speak unless I'm dropping the baby off before work, we don't visit each other, take walks... none of the things most mother/ daughter relationships entail.  Also, we all know the story about Mom getting me started on the pills that ruined my life and the other little story about Mom not taking ay action against my molester... people, we can go on for a while here.  Soooo, I kind of feel like she owes me something.  Is that wrong?  (A.D.D. kicking in.... one sec.)

Anyhow, tonights conversation somehow turned into my asking her when she was going to start keeping her promises to me and other frustrating questions of that nature.  My mother has nothing to say to me other than "what do you want me to say?" OR "Are we done for the night?"  What the hell is wrong with people?  If my daughter even hinted toward the idea of not thinking I was a good mom... I would die!  My mom, on the other hand, is sooo wrapped up in her own shit ('scuse the french) to feel anything toward me at all.  What she wants is a pity party... she's somewhat of a martyr and no matter how hard I try to have a sensible conversation with her, we always circle around her ideas that she should "just sit here and do everything for everyone?" OR "You're upset because I'm not Exactly the way you want me to be" OR "I'm 60 yrs old and I'm miserable because of your father"... among her many other amazing expressions of concern.  

Here's the confession that I don't want to make..........

I want my fake and perfect family back.  I want to be proud of the fact that my parents aren't divorced or that I had everything (material) I wanted as a child.  I'm so done with being embarassed and ashamed of so much that I have no control over.  This is consuming me.  When I'm dealing with my mother, I do things that I haven't done for nearly a year.  The minute I got off the phone with her, I threw the phone into the wall and walked out of my apartment and into hers (yes, fortunately for me... I'm right next door to her!) and continued the conversation unsuccesfully.  I just feel like I've given so much of myself to this world in just 24 yrs... I want my innocence back and that can never happen.  A part of me can thank mom for that.  

And in some sick and twisted way... I feel like I'm being unreasonable.  Just like when I was a little girl and I was violated by someone my entire family trusted... I always felt I was wrong to hand down the label of "molester".  I felt like I made a big deal out of nothing and we all know that's dead wrong!  Anyone have advice?  I sure as hell need some.  

I'll be back soon enough I'm sure.  I have some blanks to fill in with these mom stories anyhow.  All those "long stories" I have?  Yep, I'm going to tell them soon! (hehe... I giggle through tears!)

I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict. (ugghhhhh)  

Welcome Back!

I'm sorry blog but, I had to put you on the back burner for a few months... 5 to be exact. I absolutely missed you but I have to admit that I almost didn't come back here. But here I am and I'm continuing to take my recovery further... and further... and furrrrther. Update time :-)

This past weekend (June 5th of '09 ) was not only my daughters' 3rd birthday but it was my 9 month anniversary with sobriety! Yeaaaahhhhh baby! There's no measure for my happiness at this point in my journey. Sure, there are plenty of things I would change about life if I could... but my ability to cope is ... new and unfamiliar, and awesome. Soooo Happy anniversary!

Next bit of good news... I have a job! Wooohooo! (Yes, I'm a little excited.) I'm a waitress and a damn happy one. (hehe) I've had the job for almost 3 months now and the money is helping me get out of the debt I created when I was flushing my life down the toilet. The #1 Most Amazing, Life changing reward for me is ... the recognition I get for being a genuinly good person and (check this out) ... a "sweetheart", "such a nice person", "best waitress I ever had" , "She really cares about us" ... ?? Woahhh, I'm taken aback almost every day at work. You see, it's never been a part of my life to be a caring and sweet person. The people I dealt with in school or at my other jobs.. well, they were friendly with me just for the sake of not having a problem with me. I was nasty, aggressive and always had an attitude of some kind. Anyone that knows me can vouch for that.

(PARDON THE INTERRUPTION... I HAVE TO HELP NINA PAINT HER NAILS. BE RIGHT BACK.)

Okay... my ADD doesn't work well with interruptions. Where was I? Ummmm, being appreciated at work, with people, by friends and co-workers... this has been, by far, the most rewarding experience of my life. Sounds pretty sad huh?? Wellll darling, I lived a pretty sad existance for a loooong time. Anyone struggling with a disease, wether it be addiction or some other emotional or mental condition, can understand how important recognition is to us. I spent so much time doing the wrong thing. I hurt a lot of people and I'm sure no one would've thought I was a truly giving and loving person under all that trash I gave off. What's surprising to me is that I'm not trying hard to be a sweetheart or "most liked" at the workplace. My concern with other peoples' lives and well being has always been inside me ... I guess I just feel comfortable allowing that to become a solid part of my life now. I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was a softie, or weak even... Only I and the readers of this blog know the reason behind the seemingly overcompensated behavior. It's who I am and I'm freakin' proud people!!!

Now, I would love to stick around and blab some more but this child of mine is throwing my ADD into overdrive and I can't focus :) I will make a point to come back. I missed you blog!

**P.S. Thanks to my co-worker who found the blog I honestly thought I deleted from my facebook page (lol). It made me want to come back and keep it going. Don't know why, but it did... so thanks!

I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict ;)