It's 10:51 pm right now and wowww, am I ever feeling like my relationship with my mother is over. I think people have this idea that adults cannot feel neglected by their parents. That idea is ridiculous. I'm not a child in any sense of the word other than that I came from my mothers womb. I am her child but, for some reason, she wont act that way anymore. It's almost as though her obligation to me has been fulfilled and I somehow don't need a mother anymore. WTF?
All I did tonight was ask her what she planned on doing about the dog we sort of share custody of (who also anxiety issues) ... It's a long story but, in short, my mother is living as a rebellious 16 yr. old girl with no responsibilities and that's affecting our relationship beyond repair. We no longer speak unless I'm dropping the baby off before work, we don't visit each other, take walks... none of the things most mother/ daughter relationships entail. Also, we all know the story about Mom getting me started on the pills that ruined my life and the other little story about Mom not taking ay action against my molester... people, we can go on for a while here. Soooo, I kind of feel like she owes me something. Is that wrong? (A.D.D. kicking in.... one sec.)
Anyhow, tonights conversation somehow turned into my asking her when she was going to start keeping her promises to me and other frustrating questions of that nature. My mother has nothing to say to me other than "what do you want me to say?" OR "Are we done for the night?" What the hell is wrong with people? If my daughter even hinted toward the idea of not thinking I was a good mom... I would die! My mom, on the other hand, is sooo wrapped up in her own shit ('scuse the french) to feel anything toward me at all. What she wants is a pity party... she's somewhat of a martyr and no matter how hard I try to have a sensible conversation with her, we always circle around her ideas that she should "just sit here and do everything for everyone?" OR "You're upset because I'm not Exactly the way you want me to be" OR "I'm 60 yrs old and I'm miserable because of your father"... among her many other amazing expressions of concern.
Here's the confession that I don't want to make..........
I want my fake and perfect family back. I want to be proud of the fact that my parents aren't divorced or that I had everything (material) I wanted as a child. I'm so done with being embarassed and ashamed of so much that I have no control over. This is consuming me. When I'm dealing with my mother, I do things that I haven't done for nearly a year. The minute I got off the phone with her, I threw the phone into the wall and walked out of my apartment and into hers (yes, fortunately for me... I'm right next door to her!) and continued the conversation unsuccesfully. I just feel like I've given so much of myself to this world in just 24 yrs... I want my innocence back and that can never happen. A part of me can thank mom for that.
And in some sick and twisted way... I feel like I'm being unreasonable. Just like when I was a little girl and I was violated by someone my entire family trusted... I always felt I was wrong to hand down the label of "molester". I felt like I made a big deal out of nothing and we all know that's dead wrong! Anyone have advice? I sure as hell need some.
I'll be back soon enough I'm sure. I have some blanks to fill in with these mom stories anyhow. All those "long stories" I have? Yep, I'm going to tell them soon! (hehe... I giggle through tears!)
I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict. (ugghhhhh)
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