Welcome Twenty Ten!

It's been a million years since I've posted but I figured there is no better way to start the New Year than to start my emotional cleanse immediately!

The end of 2008 was unbelievable and painful. With the rehab and recovery kicking off in September, I rang in 2009 with virgin senses - feeling everything as if for the first time. Things sounded different, looked different and all of it was beautiful beyond belief to me. I started working as a waitress in '09 and found that I absolutely loved dealing with people, learning about my co-workers, and finding that I was a helpful human being for once! It has not been my dream to be a waitress but it sure helps my recovery for now. I'm learning to deal with my anxiety and anger ... yes, I've been doing some of the textbook stuff like deep breaths and counting... they work! I just keep reminding myself that I don't have to "go off" on somebody because my anxiety levels are out of control. The anxiety comes down eventually... deep breaths, for me, help that time pass and a few minutes later I am almost back to normal. Try it!

As things were being touched and experienced for the first time in my life, I was also losing the mother I had since I was born. Her addiction has been steadily working to bring her to her rock bottom, which can be a good thing but it's not something any child needs to go through. Yes, when it comes to My parents, I am still their child. The list of wrong-doings this year on her part are too much to begin unleashing! But, for the curious, here's one: I came home from my birthday weekend away at Atlantic City. My birthday is also my Sobriety date. Now, my birthday is also the day my fiance proposed to me! So on a day that is supposed to be amazing for me, I come home to my mother watching my 3 yr. old daughter, slurring like a drunk. She doesn't drink so I knew that she ran out of pain killers and, in her desperation, she popped some Valium. She's done it before so I recognized the signs. My father was supposed to be there with her at all times. But of course, he doesn't understand the condition she's in. He didn't deceive and lie to get a fix with her. I did. He didn't get me hooked when I was a child. She did. There's lots he doesn't know and I spent half of 2009 telling him some of those things. So, in a nutshell, my parents home situation and my relationship with my mother is in the shitter. I didn't say a single word to my mother from September 9th to the holidays in December. I was decent to her because of the holidays and I didn't want to upset or embarrass the family with my problems.

Recovery has been a roller coaster ride for me ... and I am scared out of my freakin' pants of heights! But the highs are as unpredictable as the lows. The highs are more extreme and life changing than the lows. The beauty I see in people every day makes my life something amazing. The joy I can take from someone lending a caring hand out of pure love ... Wow. It has always been the little things make life LIFE. When a young pregnant girl gets on the train, struts her stuff across the cart, rolls her eyes and no one gives up their seat to her ... yes I do the unexpected proudly because her smile will fuel my entire day. When I am waiting on a table in my restaurant and someone scoots the plates over to the edge of the table so that I can reach them with ease ... it makes my day. When a co-worker takes dirty glasses off my table to help me out... that's awesome. There's enough mean and evil in the world to outweigh the beauty any day. Don't compare the two. It's so much easier for people to be mean. Just remember that there is always a reason to do something good. Of the five people that will look down their noses at you for what you do, there is one life you've affected in the most positive way.

Goal #1 for 2010? To have at least one stranger a day remember me for something awesome.