I'm 24 years old and I'm a recovering addict. Today I am 46 days clean. Sometimes I can't believe what I allowed myself to get sucked into.
I took my first Morphine pill when I was 17 years old. I didn't know much about addiction. Was addiction really that bad? How could a substance run your life? Disable you? Make you sick? Kill you? Hell, I had no idea what all of that was about. All I knew was, as soon as I popped that half of a Morphine pill ALL of my pain went away and it didn't hurt that I felt a little loopy. I remember going to my mother, who gave me the pill, and saying "Damn ma, I'm freakin' high!" and laughing hysterically. My mother was also laughing at me. Now, I didn't look like a fool, really. I was high but it wasn't like a drunken high. It was more of a floaty, happy, giggly high. No Pain! It was a wonderful first experience. I had no idea that I had just opened the door to years pain and suffering.
On September 8th of 2008, I took my last pills. It wasn't planned for that day to be my last day using. During that course of my drug use I had found ways to get my boyfriend (Radhames, but we'll call him Rad) to pick up my pills. I had to pay for my pills because I would finish my prescriptions in one day. I would lie to Rad and tell him I was just trying to help my mother out with her need for the same medications. He would give me hundreds of dollars all the while thinking that he was helping my mother. I truly thought he had no idea what was going on. But he did. He knew about my problem nearly the entire time. I'm guessing that he just hoped it would go away. He truly believed he was helping me. Ill never forgive myself for taking advantage of him the way I did.
After a while, I came to terms with the fact that Rad knew about my addiction but I never told him how much I used until I went into Detox. I was taking 25 Tylenol Codeine #4 (highest dose per pill) and 25 two milligram Klonopin a day. I also went out drinking once in a while and I was later told that mixing those drugs with alcohol could have killed me. I was working full time from home and I had absolutely no money and was almost $10,000 in debt. Rad didn't really know about my debt either.
On September 8th of 2008, Rad said he would not go pick up my pills. He refused to contribute or enable my disease any further. I was angry, panicking and instantly became sick. I knew this time was serious but I didn't want to believe it. How could he WANT me to be sick? Did he want me to kill myself? Does he want to see me in pain? He hates me! Everything in the book crossed my mind. I cried and stood up all night. The next day, September 9th, was my 24th birthday.
On my 24th birthday, I went into Detox at a local hospital. I spent the night there and the next day I was told that they couldn't care for an addict of my caliber and they referred me to Arms Acres in the Bronx, New York which was my neighborhood.
I was anxious, restless, angry, sad, violent, suicidal and the list goes on. As far as pain goes I had a headache, stomach pains, severe back and muscle aches and that list can go on forever. All of those symptoms hit me in the first 48 hours. It took roughly 48 hours because I was given a medication that I shouldn't have taken (a narcotic) in the emergency room. So that postponed my symptoms for a while. This journey hasn't been easy at all. As a matter of fact, it's a journey that I would wish on no one. But it is the most eye opening journey of them all and I would be honored to help anyone get through their journey successfully or prevent someone from ever stepping foot on this road.
I took my first Morphine pill when I was 17 years old. I didn't know much about addiction. Was addiction really that bad? How could a substance run your life? Disable you? Make you sick? Kill you? Hell, I had no idea what all of that was about. All I knew was, as soon as I popped that half of a Morphine pill ALL of my pain went away and it didn't hurt that I felt a little loopy. I remember going to my mother, who gave me the pill, and saying "Damn ma, I'm freakin' high!" and laughing hysterically. My mother was also laughing at me. Now, I didn't look like a fool, really. I was high but it wasn't like a drunken high. It was more of a floaty, happy, giggly high. No Pain! It was a wonderful first experience. I had no idea that I had just opened the door to years pain and suffering.
On September 8th of 2008, I took my last pills. It wasn't planned for that day to be my last day using. During that course of my drug use I had found ways to get my boyfriend (Radhames, but we'll call him Rad) to pick up my pills. I had to pay for my pills because I would finish my prescriptions in one day. I would lie to Rad and tell him I was just trying to help my mother out with her need for the same medications. He would give me hundreds of dollars all the while thinking that he was helping my mother. I truly thought he had no idea what was going on. But he did. He knew about my problem nearly the entire time. I'm guessing that he just hoped it would go away. He truly believed he was helping me. Ill never forgive myself for taking advantage of him the way I did.
After a while, I came to terms with the fact that Rad knew about my addiction but I never told him how much I used until I went into Detox. I was taking 25 Tylenol Codeine #4 (highest dose per pill) and 25 two milligram Klonopin a day. I also went out drinking once in a while and I was later told that mixing those drugs with alcohol could have killed me. I was working full time from home and I had absolutely no money and was almost $10,000 in debt. Rad didn't really know about my debt either.
On September 8th of 2008, Rad said he would not go pick up my pills. He refused to contribute or enable my disease any further. I was angry, panicking and instantly became sick. I knew this time was serious but I didn't want to believe it. How could he WANT me to be sick? Did he want me to kill myself? Does he want to see me in pain? He hates me! Everything in the book crossed my mind. I cried and stood up all night. The next day, September 9th, was my 24th birthday.
On my 24th birthday, I went into Detox at a local hospital. I spent the night there and the next day I was told that they couldn't care for an addict of my caliber and they referred me to Arms Acres in the Bronx, New York which was my neighborhood.
I was anxious, restless, angry, sad, violent, suicidal and the list goes on. As far as pain goes I had a headache, stomach pains, severe back and muscle aches and that list can go on forever. All of those symptoms hit me in the first 48 hours. It took roughly 48 hours because I was given a medication that I shouldn't have taken (a narcotic) in the emergency room. So that postponed my symptoms for a while. This journey hasn't been easy at all. As a matter of fact, it's a journey that I would wish on no one. But it is the most eye opening journey of them all and I would be honored to help anyone get through their journey successfully or prevent someone from ever stepping foot on this road.
My name is Stephanie and I'm an addict.
6 comments:
Hi,
I saw your blog and really liked it. I too am struggling with addiction. I am 23 and have 70 days sober. You are beautiful and I don't understand why you would get down on yourself about your appearance. Keep up the good work
Thank you for leaving that comment. You are the first person who is struggling with addiction to leave a comment on my blog. You made my day!
We are "normal" people but we are addicts and we struggle with things non-addicts will never understand. We can relate to each other in a way no one else can. That s a huge reason for me choosing to share my daily struggles, you know?
Congratulations on 70 days sober! Thats amazing in itself and I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope you keep coming back here because you never know what could help you in your journey.
Thanks again.
I have been dealing with addiction for about 23 years without using. If you work the program if you are in one it constantly gets better.
I'm definitely in a program. I work the program but I know I'm not working it 100%. It's hard to be optimistic when your in the beginning stages of recovery. But my feelings about recovery get better every day and I can honestly say that I may be ready to take the steps and traditions a little more seriously.
Thanks for the comment ;)
Hey Stephanie
I saw your bulletin board on My Space and decided to check out your blog. I can't relate to what you are saying but I think that you are doing a brave thing by posting these blogs and you are not only helping yourself heal but you are also helping other people who may have the same or similar issues. I think your blogs are great and I truly hope that you overcome your addiction and continue to live your life to your full potential. your blog are inspiring. God Bless You
Thank you Heidi. Comments like that make it worthwhile ya know? I really hope my experiences help someone in some way. I appreciate that although you have not experienced addiction (which is a wonderful thing!) ... you still cared for my blog. Thank you!
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