Burning Desire

I am 65 days clean. Just when I think I have this recoery thing in the bag, that miserable feeling creeps up on me. I was psyched that I wasn't feeling so sick anymore and because of that joy I paid less and less attention to the internal recovery I would struggle with. I'm beginning to believe what they say ... this IS something I will struggle with for the rest of my life.
For the longest time, (almost all my life), my mind has been plagued by self hatred, depression, anxiety and anger. I have always attacked myself about my appearance. I don't think there was a day in my teen or adult life that I didn't criticize myself. Downing myself caused me to be depressed and reclusive. My depression and low self-esteem caused me to have anxiety. I would have minor anxiety attacks when I had nothing to wear because I "didn't fit into anything". I would have anxiety attacks when I was around to many people. I would have anxiety when people were disrespectful ... All of these issues combined caused my toughest issue to become unmanageable.
I have always been an angry and violent person. At one point, I was even proud of the fact that I wasn't scared of anyone. I was proud that I had no fear of confronting and provoking someone with aggression or violence. I took pride in the idea that people saw me as harmless when, in fact, that was far from the truth. Now, I'm not saying that I could kick anyone's ass. But I am saying that I would argue or fight whoever was becoming a bother to me. At this point of my life, I am far from proud of my actions.
I became much more careless when I was using. It's amazing how much you realize about yourself when you get clean. Nearly every day, I would throw myself into a harmful situation. But I didn't care. I'm guessing that is why I was so self- destructive. So what if someone cut me? So what if someone found me and jumped me? I didn't give a damn. In fact, I was so angry and depressed that I had a suicide attempt when I was just 18 years old. As far as I remember, I wasn't trying to kill myself, but I was trying to get as much attention as possible. I wanted people around me to understand the severity of my situation. No one really took my anger and depression seriously. I'm sure everyone thought I was just being a rebellious teenager. No one had any idea things would ever get so bad for me.
About four weeks into my recovery, I wasn't feeling so sick anymore. I still had some shakes, anxiety, aching, insomnia, and much more BUT it was manageable. I felt better and better every day. Now I am 65 days into my recovery and I feel like I'm slipping. For the first time in over two months, I can actually relax on my couch and watch a movie without completely jumping out of my skin. I am finally sleeping more. I can finally take naps. But now that I'm healing physically, inside I continue to struggle. Without my beloved pills, I can't seem to manage my emotions most of the time. I can't get myself out of this rut. I want to start working again, going to school again, exercising again, living life again ... but there is always something in the way. I have no motivation to go back to the gym. My motivation should be that I want to be healthy and look better but somehow, that's not enough. That's a strange thing because my biggest issue is that I do not like myself. I want to go back to school but I have to pay them over two thousand dollars to go back. I don't have that money because I have no job right now. And for the first time in my life, I am having a hard time finding a job. So it's a never ending cycle. I have no idea what to do first.
Without something to do, I am getting restless and anxious again. I'm coming down on myself HARD. I don't feel accomplished. I have nothing to show for the time I spent on this earth. The sad part about my feelings is that I have a daughter and husband who love me very much and I still feel as though I have done nothing good with myself. I love my family but I don't feel as though I am good enough to have them.
So all I have been doing is kicking myself in the ass about what I am not doing and then doing absolutely nothing about it. Why is this disease so tricky? It's almost as if Addiction has played a cruel joke on me. Addiction let me go for about a month and then came back to laugh in my face. It still has me. I'm locked into this disease and I still do not have the tools to hack my way out. Where do I start the change? It's so overwhelming. My mind is spinning. I want to use to take away the pain. My craving doesn't go far enough for me to pick up but it's definitely stirring things up inside. How can I feel good sober? Does anyone know where to go from here? I sure don't.

I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict.