Welcome Twenty Ten!

It's been a million years since I've posted but I figured there is no better way to start the New Year than to start my emotional cleanse immediately!

The end of 2008 was unbelievable and painful. With the rehab and recovery kicking off in September, I rang in 2009 with virgin senses - feeling everything as if for the first time. Things sounded different, looked different and all of it was beautiful beyond belief to me. I started working as a waitress in '09 and found that I absolutely loved dealing with people, learning about my co-workers, and finding that I was a helpful human being for once! It has not been my dream to be a waitress but it sure helps my recovery for now. I'm learning to deal with my anxiety and anger ... yes, I've been doing some of the textbook stuff like deep breaths and counting... they work! I just keep reminding myself that I don't have to "go off" on somebody because my anxiety levels are out of control. The anxiety comes down eventually... deep breaths, for me, help that time pass and a few minutes later I am almost back to normal. Try it!

As things were being touched and experienced for the first time in my life, I was also losing the mother I had since I was born. Her addiction has been steadily working to bring her to her rock bottom, which can be a good thing but it's not something any child needs to go through. Yes, when it comes to My parents, I am still their child. The list of wrong-doings this year on her part are too much to begin unleashing! But, for the curious, here's one: I came home from my birthday weekend away at Atlantic City. My birthday is also my Sobriety date. Now, my birthday is also the day my fiance proposed to me! So on a day that is supposed to be amazing for me, I come home to my mother watching my 3 yr. old daughter, slurring like a drunk. She doesn't drink so I knew that she ran out of pain killers and, in her desperation, she popped some Valium. She's done it before so I recognized the signs. My father was supposed to be there with her at all times. But of course, he doesn't understand the condition she's in. He didn't deceive and lie to get a fix with her. I did. He didn't get me hooked when I was a child. She did. There's lots he doesn't know and I spent half of 2009 telling him some of those things. So, in a nutshell, my parents home situation and my relationship with my mother is in the shitter. I didn't say a single word to my mother from September 9th to the holidays in December. I was decent to her because of the holidays and I didn't want to upset or embarrass the family with my problems.

Recovery has been a roller coaster ride for me ... and I am scared out of my freakin' pants of heights! But the highs are as unpredictable as the lows. The highs are more extreme and life changing than the lows. The beauty I see in people every day makes my life something amazing. The joy I can take from someone lending a caring hand out of pure love ... Wow. It has always been the little things make life LIFE. When a young pregnant girl gets on the train, struts her stuff across the cart, rolls her eyes and no one gives up their seat to her ... yes I do the unexpected proudly because her smile will fuel my entire day. When I am waiting on a table in my restaurant and someone scoots the plates over to the edge of the table so that I can reach them with ease ... it makes my day. When a co-worker takes dirty glasses off my table to help me out... that's awesome. There's enough mean and evil in the world to outweigh the beauty any day. Don't compare the two. It's so much easier for people to be mean. Just remember that there is always a reason to do something good. Of the five people that will look down their noses at you for what you do, there is one life you've affected in the most positive way.

Goal #1 for 2010? To have at least one stranger a day remember me for something awesome.

A Little Busy and Thank You:)

I've been a little busy lately and I haven't had much time to get into a post for a while. Even now the baby is asking me "how much hot water do I have to mix with cold to make warm?" ... And in one second she has changed her conversation to the Lysol germs on t.v.....

I hope to write something soon. Between work, keeping this house together, my baby, and my husband... (not quite my husband because he has yet to propose) ... I have no time to focus on much else.

Quickly, I would like to say thank you to the co-workers who have read my blog... both those who have mentioned it to me and those who have not. I never expected anyone to admire my small quest to share my story and I certaintly never expected anyone to be impressed by it. That may seem wierd considering all that I've been through but I've never given myself enough credit for anything anyhow. That will definetely start to change because as bits and pieces of my life become pretty well known to the people around me, I'm becoming less ashamed and more proud of how far I've come. I don't think you ALL will ever understand the enormous role you play in my life. Every comment, compliment, complaint, I remember it all and I apply it all to my life in every way possible. Why do I choose to be a nice person now and why do I tolerate so much from people that don't deserve it? Because I feel the way people touch my life in so many ways and I want to give that to everyone I come in contact with. I'm blessed with something great everyday and I choose to share that...

Worst Day in Music & Pop Culture EVER

Love you Michael. I had my heart set on seeing you perform your last tour & (at the risk of sounding ridiculous to a lot of poeple) I'm heartbroken. I grew up with you and fell in love with you're music and charm from day one. An amazing person, from what I've seen, who never got the chance to redeem yourself from the garbage people put you through.

I'm Unbelievably sad right now. When you see someone on television, in interviews, music videos, award shows, hear their music... well, you can't help but feel as if you know them personally. I knew Michael Jackson. That's how I felt all through my childhood. I knew in my childhood heart of hearts that he was an amazing man blessed with the opportunity to touch more lives than any other human being in pop culture!

God bless his talented and caring soul! Remember Michael for the great work and amazing

things he has done. Most people seem perfect in death, even those that were not.

Michael Jackson was perfection in the music industry and as close to perfection as God allows in the human world.

RIP King of Popular Culture

I'm So Done ...

It's 10:51 pm right now and wowww, am I ever feeling like my relationship with my mother is over.  I think people have this idea that adults cannot feel neglected by their parents.  That idea is ridiculous.  I'm not a child in any sense of the word other than that I came from my mothers womb.   I am her child but, for some reason, she wont act that way anymore.  It's almost as though her obligation to me has been fulfilled and I somehow don't need a mother anymore.  WTF?  

All I did tonight was ask her what she planned on doing about the dog we sort of share custody of (who also anxiety issues) ...  It's a long story but, in short, my mother is living as a rebellious 16 yr. old girl with no responsibilities and that's affecting our relationship beyond repair.  We no longer speak unless I'm dropping the baby off before work, we don't visit each other, take walks... none of the things most mother/ daughter relationships entail.  Also, we all know the story about Mom getting me started on the pills that ruined my life and the other little story about Mom not taking ay action against my molester... people, we can go on for a while here.  Soooo, I kind of feel like she owes me something.  Is that wrong?  (A.D.D. kicking in.... one sec.)

Anyhow, tonights conversation somehow turned into my asking her when she was going to start keeping her promises to me and other frustrating questions of that nature.  My mother has nothing to say to me other than "what do you want me to say?" OR "Are we done for the night?"  What the hell is wrong with people?  If my daughter even hinted toward the idea of not thinking I was a good mom... I would die!  My mom, on the other hand, is sooo wrapped up in her own shit ('scuse the french) to feel anything toward me at all.  What she wants is a pity party... she's somewhat of a martyr and no matter how hard I try to have a sensible conversation with her, we always circle around her ideas that she should "just sit here and do everything for everyone?" OR "You're upset because I'm not Exactly the way you want me to be" OR "I'm 60 yrs old and I'm miserable because of your father"... among her many other amazing expressions of concern.  

Here's the confession that I don't want to make..........

I want my fake and perfect family back.  I want to be proud of the fact that my parents aren't divorced or that I had everything (material) I wanted as a child.  I'm so done with being embarassed and ashamed of so much that I have no control over.  This is consuming me.  When I'm dealing with my mother, I do things that I haven't done for nearly a year.  The minute I got off the phone with her, I threw the phone into the wall and walked out of my apartment and into hers (yes, fortunately for me... I'm right next door to her!) and continued the conversation unsuccesfully.  I just feel like I've given so much of myself to this world in just 24 yrs... I want my innocence back and that can never happen.  A part of me can thank mom for that.  

And in some sick and twisted way... I feel like I'm being unreasonable.  Just like when I was a little girl and I was violated by someone my entire family trusted... I always felt I was wrong to hand down the label of "molester".  I felt like I made a big deal out of nothing and we all know that's dead wrong!  Anyone have advice?  I sure as hell need some.  

I'll be back soon enough I'm sure.  I have some blanks to fill in with these mom stories anyhow.  All those "long stories" I have?  Yep, I'm going to tell them soon! (hehe... I giggle through tears!)

I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict. (ugghhhhh)  

Welcome Back!

I'm sorry blog but, I had to put you on the back burner for a few months... 5 to be exact. I absolutely missed you but I have to admit that I almost didn't come back here. But here I am and I'm continuing to take my recovery further... and further... and furrrrther. Update time :-)

This past weekend (June 5th of '09 ) was not only my daughters' 3rd birthday but it was my 9 month anniversary with sobriety! Yeaaaahhhhh baby! There's no measure for my happiness at this point in my journey. Sure, there are plenty of things I would change about life if I could... but my ability to cope is ... new and unfamiliar, and awesome. Soooo Happy anniversary!

Next bit of good news... I have a job! Wooohooo! (Yes, I'm a little excited.) I'm a waitress and a damn happy one. (hehe) I've had the job for almost 3 months now and the money is helping me get out of the debt I created when I was flushing my life down the toilet. The #1 Most Amazing, Life changing reward for me is ... the recognition I get for being a genuinly good person and (check this out) ... a "sweetheart", "such a nice person", "best waitress I ever had" , "She really cares about us" ... ?? Woahhh, I'm taken aback almost every day at work. You see, it's never been a part of my life to be a caring and sweet person. The people I dealt with in school or at my other jobs.. well, they were friendly with me just for the sake of not having a problem with me. I was nasty, aggressive and always had an attitude of some kind. Anyone that knows me can vouch for that.

(PARDON THE INTERRUPTION... I HAVE TO HELP NINA PAINT HER NAILS. BE RIGHT BACK.)

Okay... my ADD doesn't work well with interruptions. Where was I? Ummmm, being appreciated at work, with people, by friends and co-workers... this has been, by far, the most rewarding experience of my life. Sounds pretty sad huh?? Wellll darling, I lived a pretty sad existance for a loooong time. Anyone struggling with a disease, wether it be addiction or some other emotional or mental condition, can understand how important recognition is to us. I spent so much time doing the wrong thing. I hurt a lot of people and I'm sure no one would've thought I was a truly giving and loving person under all that trash I gave off. What's surprising to me is that I'm not trying hard to be a sweetheart or "most liked" at the workplace. My concern with other peoples' lives and well being has always been inside me ... I guess I just feel comfortable allowing that to become a solid part of my life now. I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was a softie, or weak even... Only I and the readers of this blog know the reason behind the seemingly overcompensated behavior. It's who I am and I'm freakin' proud people!!!

Now, I would love to stick around and blab some more but this child of mine is throwing my ADD into overdrive and I can't focus :) I will make a point to come back. I missed you blog!

**P.S. Thanks to my co-worker who found the blog I honestly thought I deleted from my facebook page (lol). It made me want to come back and keep it going. Don't know why, but it did... so thanks!

I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict ;)

I Got The Serenity ;)

If I had words to explain how awesome it is to let go of those things I cannot control... WOW.
Before beginning my recovery I was consumed with worry. I tried to mentor and control everyone around me. Actually, I believe I was trying to be everyone savior ...? I consider myself an intelligent person and I believe I know much more about life and life's issues then most. I can honestly say that. However, I rarely take the advice I give to so many people. Leading by example WAS something I did not do. A person has to be seriously insane to know so much about life but go against all common sense anyway! That was me. Insane.
The good news now.... ;) I lead by example. NO I am not perfect. I'm far from it. But the difference now is that I don't expect myself to ever be perfect. What I do expect is that I be absolutely happy with my life and myself.
I decided that a big part of taking care of myself in my recovery is to take the advice of my 12 steps and my serenity prayer and let go of those things that I cannot control. When I first started the program, the steps did not seem as life changing as they truly are. It wasn't until I started dealing with my mother and her using that I realized I might have to take my emotional recovery seriously. I found myself angry and frustrated to the point of needing to be physically harmful to the people enabling her. Before my recovery, I wouldn't have thought twice about involving myself in someones business in that way. I always thought I was protecting the people I love by being so involved. It was truly an innocent thing that was extremely unhealthy for me and those around me, I'm sure.
So anyway ... I had to pull myself back and leave my mothers fate to God or whoever could make her better without me driving myself nuts. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to continue being happy in my recovery and my life so that I could lead by example for once! About 4 days ago, my mother decided it was time for her to begin her withdrawals. Two days in, she decided to tell me what was going on and I was shocked because I never truly thought she would take that step. But after I let go and allowed her to take her own steps I guess there wasn't anymore pressure? I should have known better because I'm an addict as well and I know what it feels like to have people breathing down my neck about my problems. But thank God I stopped myself before I really turned anyone off.
OK so I'm going to stop rambling now and come back later in the week for some more blog therapy. Hopefully by then things will still be going well with my mother. And just to reiterate, Letting go is amazing. I can't consume myself with Other peoples' decisions and lifestyles. I don't control them. I can only express my love for the people in my life. There's nothing wrong with giving advice but it's also OK to be a little selfish. There's a good selfish and a bad selfish. Be a good selfish. Take care of yourself and your needs before you try to care for someone else. You're no good to anyone when you're miserable, depressed, tired, lonely, and so on. The best way to lead someone to a life of sobriety or simply to a happier, more fulfilling life is to lead by example. Let everyone around you see how beautiful it can be to take care of yourself spiritually, emotionally and physically. Eventually, people will want what you have. And that's one of the amazing paybacks in recovery. When someone in crisis tells you that they are changing their lives because they want what you have and they want to be like you... What's better than that? What's better than truly helping someone else and not being resented for it because you're all in the business?? ;)
Incredible. If you're reading this and are unsure about how to help someone you love, maybe try laying off a little on the advice and involvement and stick to positive example and expression of love and you may be surprised at what that does. If you are reading this and you're feeling frustrated to the point that you want to fight someone or cuss someone out to hurt them ... please think twice about that. There is no fulfillment in hurting someone deliberately. There's nothing productive that will ever come out of hurting someone physically or emotionally. It took me years to learn that and, although pride suffers a little when you decide not to knock somebody out (hehe), it is worth it in the end because you can be proud of yourself for the right reasons ya know? Anyone reading this ... do the right things for yourself. Bring something good to life and dismiss the negative. Be different and change what you can while letting that which you cannot change suck it! (haha ;)
P.S. You don't have to be an addict to need that serenity prayer... it works for everyone.
I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict. ;)

Adjusting to Life Sober

It's been an unbelievable three months or so. Today I have 87 days clean. I'm still going strong and things are getting much better around here. There is so much that I do today that I wasn't able to do before. I didn't realize how much I neglected the people and things in my life until I was about 2 months into recovery.
My daughter is two and a half years old now and I missed a lot of those years. I have always loved her with all my heart but at one point you wouldn't have been able to notice. I spent a lot of my time sleeping ... 12-14 hours at a time. Many times I wouldn't wake up until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon after staying up until about 4 am. Nina (my daughter) would wake up around 12pm and I wouldn't wake up for another 2 hours or so. (God I hate saying these things... I feel horrible). I would turn on the cartoons in our bedroom and she would sit next to me on the bed until I woke up. Finally I would get up and finally I would change her diaper and feed her. At the time, it didn't seem so bad, you know? After all, I was just getting some sleep, right? I was simply relaxing and everyone knew I needed more sleep than the average person! That's what I told everyone anyway.
I would then spend the entire day in the bedroom... doing nothing... eating, gaining weight, being sad and depressed and I still thought I was a busy, productive, responsible individual and mom. It's amazing how warped my thought process had become. I stopped cooking for my man. I would do the laundry every month or so, rather than every week. I never went anywhere so what the hell did I need clothes for? I stopped cleaning my house and for months on end I would tell visitors that we were spring cleaning ... it was the end of summer... the beginning of winter...
I found a job in January of 2008. I would be working from home for a phone sex company. I was happy about getting this job because I knew I could do it well and I didn't want to leave my house. It was a very stressful job and I was online or on the phone for about 14-16 hours of the day. I stopped paying attention to my boyfriend, my daughter, mother and father... No one interfered with my drugs or my job. Now, while I was happy that I was one of the best employees my boss had and I was making good money, I didn't realize that the fire under my ass and my motivation was my addiction. Every penny I made went towards my pills. I bought them illegally from a family friend who worked in a pharmacy. Just in case people do not know, that is a felony. However, never did I EVER think about my purchases being a crime. It was never a crime to me. I now had a $400-500 a week habit.
Being honest with myself about these issues kills me. It kills me to know that I have always been a special person. A driven person. A good and caring woman. I am a very intelligent person and I let addiction drag me down so far... Now I'll struggle for the rest of my life, learning to live again, learning to have fun again, learning to love again and learning to be a productive human being. Many people do not understand how hard it is to come out of an addiction and have to live a sober life. This is what I told my boyfriend: I said, just imagine someone being in jail for 30 years. Imagine having to hide your food, socks, toothbrush, snacks, underwear, and anything else of "value" from inmates all day, every day. Imagine showering with other inmates and having to watch your back all day, every day. Imagine having to fight anyone who crosses or disrespects you in order to protect yourself from the predators of prison all day, every day. Imagine being told what to do all day, every day for 30 years. How can that prisoner handle being tossed out into the real world again? That person will have to learn to walk down the street again, learn how to shower alone without paranoia, learn how to eat a meal like a civilized person, learn to get up and work,be social and affectionate, learn to Live and change the behaviors they've come to know so well... That is an addicts real struggle.
Anyone, anywhere can stop using drugs. Anyone can go to a detox and clean out their system. What we struggle with is staying clean. Not picking up our drug when we cannot handle what life is throwing at us, that's the struggle. Letting go and learning to forgive ourselves for the things we did while using... It's our struggle. Forgiving the people who have hurt us and betrayed us in our lives... That's our struggle. It's my struggle to deal with what I've become, to leave the people that are unhealthy for me, to let go of the resentment I hold toward people in my life, to forgive... to have some faith that pain ends and happiness begins somewhere down the line.
Today, I spend the entire day with my daughter. She has become attached to me in such a way, (and you might think this is silly), she makes me want to cry. Sometimes I want to cry because I couldn't enjoy her before and i regret that. But most of the time, I want to cry because I'm so amazingly in love with her. She really is something special. I didn't feel that motherly connection for a long time. As ashamed as I am of that fact, I know that from here on, things will always be different. As far as my boyfriend goes, we are much more affectionate and happy together. We understand each other so much better now. He's not the only one putting into this relationship. He's not the only one understanding, loving, supporting and giving... I'm doing it too. We spend every evening together and we finally feel like best friends again. We do so much more together and as a family, it's amazing. Every day I think to myself How the Hell was I missing out on this? As far as the phone sex job goes, I quit. I couldn't deal with those people anymore and I'm sure sobriety has something to do with it!
Overall, Life is really, really good. Soooo I can't find a job, I'm working on a degree and I have a few thousand dollars in debt ... I have my life back and that's what is most important. I can't live a life that I do not have. Addiction is not a life. It's a death. And I don't plan to go there again. ;)

I'm Stephanie and I'm an Addict.

The Dread Disease ...

"If some new and terrible disease were suddenly to strike us here in America - a disease of unknown cause, possible due to noxious gas or poison in our soil, air, or water, it would be treated as a national emergency, with our whole citizenry uniting as a man to fight it.
Let us suppose the disease to have so harmful an effect on the nervous system that [millions of] people in our country would go insane for periods lasting from a few hours to weeks or months and recurring repetitively ...
Let us further suppose that during these spells of insanity, acts of so destructive a nature would be committed that the material and spiritual lives of whole families would be in jeopardy ... Work in business, industry, professions and factories would be crippled, sabotaged or left undone ...
Finally, let us imagine this poison or disease to have the peculiar property of so altering a persons judgment, so brainwashing him, that he would be unable to see that he had become ill at all; actually so perverting and so distorting his view of life that he would wish with all his might to go on being ill.

The dread disease envisioned above is actually here. It is addiction.

- Dr. Drew Pinsky

Childhood Trauma ...

I wanted to write about childhood and some of my tough memories as well as the more serious trauma's of my childhood. I'll start with the bad memories and save the trauma for last? Ok...
I love my mother but I resent her so much. I resent her for ever giving me that first pill. How could she be so careless with her own daughter? If your child couldn't sleep, would you give them a shot of heroine? Hell no, right? My mother should have known better because she was already addicted to the stuff. Why make me a victim as well?
It wasn't clear to me why I resented her until today. And after all the anger, I'm still worried sick about her. She IS my mother and she IS an addict.
A couple of weeks ago, I asked mom about her reasons for staying on the prescription meds and she had no answer. I asked her if she had any pleasant memories over the past five years ... she did'nt know. I asked her what she wanted to do with herself in the next ten years ... she didn't know. I asked her what she liked about herself (No, that's not a dumb question) ... and she snapped back and said "I like myself!". She didn't have any answers for me other than she "didn't know". It hurt me to see that someone I loved has absolutely no joy in their life. As far back as I can remember, my mother has been depressed and isolated.
As a child, I was lucky to have both of my parents married and living in the same home with me. Many people say that's enough to be greatful for. I beg to differ. Some households are better off broken than in tact. I don't remember my parents hugging except for one on Christmas. I have never seen my parents kiss or hold hands. Never. We did things as a broken family when I was a kid. We stopped doing "family" things by the time I was about 11 or 12 years old.
I was now older and I began to take notice of the behaviors around the house. I am not exaggerating at all. My parents spoke only to ask what was for dinner or to complain about something having been done wrong. They slept in seperate rooms. My mother was on the couch. She liked it there. She liked being alone and she even told me that she didn't like having friends nor did she want any friends. She trusted no one ... not even family. She didn't like herself at all. She would cover her mouth when smiling because she didn't like her smile. She would walk and talk with her head down, unable to make eye contact. She was always sucking in her stomach even though she was skinny. The list goes on and on. It took a lot of analyizing to get an idea of where my deep insecurity came from. I'm taking a luck guess: My mother. When my father lost his temper (which would be often if not every day), mom would put her head down and take it. She would not stand up for herself but she might answer back about once every few months. I love her but she was and is a doormat.
When I first heard that children, teens and even adults learn their behaviors from their parents, I thought it was ridiculous. I would say to myself that I knew exactly what I was doing and I'm old enough to make my own decisions. There is nothing worse than lying to yourself. I wasn't honest about how deeply things affected me. And it wasn't just mom. I picked up my anger and violent traits from dad. He would slam, break and bang things every time he was pissed and almost anything would piss him off. If he asked me to do something and I made any noise hinting that I was annoyed or unhappy about it, he was pissed. Yelling, banging, denial about the severity of his actions ... Yep, all handed down to me. So I came out of my mothers womb destined to be a depressed, angry, violent, insecure Addict.
Since we're talking about childhood and childhood "trauma", I'm going to write about something only four people in my life know about. Two of whom are my parents and one of which is the ... Wow ... I can't believe I still cannot say or write the word. The other person is the "predator". I guess saying that word makes it too much of a reality. It's almost as if saying that word means I have to deal with it. So here goes ...
I was sexually abused as a child. I was about 4 years old and, at the time, had no idea what was happening. The sickest part of my situation was that the "predator" was my very close family member. (Someone is going to kill me for writing this). I still can't go into details but it went somethng like this ... He would tell me we were playing house. He would have me close my eyes and he would pretend to feed me fake food that he made in the pretend kitchen. I would close my eyes and open my mouth. I knew something was wrong. I know I did. Otherwise, why would I remember that this happened? My worst fears came true when I confronted my mother about my suspicions (on some level I didn't want to believe my memory was serving me right) and mom said that I had told her what happened as soon as it happened. At the time, this family member was living with us. Mom said that she confronted my father about what HE did and my father basically said that wasn't possible. He pulled that classic "children make things up all the time". Mom kicked them both out of the house but in a couple of days, she let my father back in. The family member packed up and left shortly after. He had no choice. Now this is the story my mom tells me. Do I believe it all? Nope.
So resentment is haunting. It's something most people do not know how to deal with. Sure, most can forgive but can you ever truly forget? Can I ever stop feeling the what if's? Why didn't my father believe his 4 year old daughter? How could my mother not take further action against HIM for what he did to me? How could they overlook something so terrible? What's really hard to grasp is that my mother was also abused ... far worse than me and by someone much closer to her. So why would she allow HIM to get away with sexually abusing me? No one even thought about sending me to a counselor. No one ever spoke to me about it again until I confronted the situation a couple of years ago.
It's hard to think that HE knew what he was doing. He's about 7-10 years older than me ... my numbers could be off. So at the time of the abuse, he was a teen ... a pre-teen at the least. Didn't he know that sexual behavior of that kind is inappropriate? For years I convinced myself not to say anything because I didn't want to ruin his life. And what I had to say could potentially ruin his life. BUT, was he ever thinking about ruining my life? During or after the acts? No he wasn't. He may not realize the impact his actions had on me but hey, I guess he will now huh?
I'm sure I'll want to get some more things off my chest about my childhood but I think I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. I just took a huge, scary step toward recovery. I never would have imagined that I'd be sharing so freely ... my childhood was damaging. It wasn't nearly as bad as the many others who are abused. But abuse in any form is traumatizing. If anyone ever hurts or touches you the wrong way, you have to tell someone. Resentment is not something anyone should live with so deal with the things that have a negative impact on you and the things that are just not right. Face them head on. That's something I never did and I have to now. It sucks. But that's life right? I'll tell you what it is ... "It's a recipe for addiction."
I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict.

Burning Desire

I am 65 days clean. Just when I think I have this recoery thing in the bag, that miserable feeling creeps up on me. I was psyched that I wasn't feeling so sick anymore and because of that joy I paid less and less attention to the internal recovery I would struggle with. I'm beginning to believe what they say ... this IS something I will struggle with for the rest of my life.
For the longest time, (almost all my life), my mind has been plagued by self hatred, depression, anxiety and anger. I have always attacked myself about my appearance. I don't think there was a day in my teen or adult life that I didn't criticize myself. Downing myself caused me to be depressed and reclusive. My depression and low self-esteem caused me to have anxiety. I would have minor anxiety attacks when I had nothing to wear because I "didn't fit into anything". I would have anxiety attacks when I was around to many people. I would have anxiety when people were disrespectful ... All of these issues combined caused my toughest issue to become unmanageable.
I have always been an angry and violent person. At one point, I was even proud of the fact that I wasn't scared of anyone. I was proud that I had no fear of confronting and provoking someone with aggression or violence. I took pride in the idea that people saw me as harmless when, in fact, that was far from the truth. Now, I'm not saying that I could kick anyone's ass. But I am saying that I would argue or fight whoever was becoming a bother to me. At this point of my life, I am far from proud of my actions.
I became much more careless when I was using. It's amazing how much you realize about yourself when you get clean. Nearly every day, I would throw myself into a harmful situation. But I didn't care. I'm guessing that is why I was so self- destructive. So what if someone cut me? So what if someone found me and jumped me? I didn't give a damn. In fact, I was so angry and depressed that I had a suicide attempt when I was just 18 years old. As far as I remember, I wasn't trying to kill myself, but I was trying to get as much attention as possible. I wanted people around me to understand the severity of my situation. No one really took my anger and depression seriously. I'm sure everyone thought I was just being a rebellious teenager. No one had any idea things would ever get so bad for me.
About four weeks into my recovery, I wasn't feeling so sick anymore. I still had some shakes, anxiety, aching, insomnia, and much more BUT it was manageable. I felt better and better every day. Now I am 65 days into my recovery and I feel like I'm slipping. For the first time in over two months, I can actually relax on my couch and watch a movie without completely jumping out of my skin. I am finally sleeping more. I can finally take naps. But now that I'm healing physically, inside I continue to struggle. Without my beloved pills, I can't seem to manage my emotions most of the time. I can't get myself out of this rut. I want to start working again, going to school again, exercising again, living life again ... but there is always something in the way. I have no motivation to go back to the gym. My motivation should be that I want to be healthy and look better but somehow, that's not enough. That's a strange thing because my biggest issue is that I do not like myself. I want to go back to school but I have to pay them over two thousand dollars to go back. I don't have that money because I have no job right now. And for the first time in my life, I am having a hard time finding a job. So it's a never ending cycle. I have no idea what to do first.
Without something to do, I am getting restless and anxious again. I'm coming down on myself HARD. I don't feel accomplished. I have nothing to show for the time I spent on this earth. The sad part about my feelings is that I have a daughter and husband who love me very much and I still feel as though I have done nothing good with myself. I love my family but I don't feel as though I am good enough to have them.
So all I have been doing is kicking myself in the ass about what I am not doing and then doing absolutely nothing about it. Why is this disease so tricky? It's almost as if Addiction has played a cruel joke on me. Addiction let me go for about a month and then came back to laugh in my face. It still has me. I'm locked into this disease and I still do not have the tools to hack my way out. Where do I start the change? It's so overwhelming. My mind is spinning. I want to use to take away the pain. My craving doesn't go far enough for me to pick up but it's definitely stirring things up inside. How can I feel good sober? Does anyone know where to go from here? I sure don't.

I'm Stephanie and I'm an addict.

My First Pill

I'm 24 years old and I'm a recovering addict. Today I am 46 days clean. Sometimes I can't believe what I allowed myself to get sucked into.
I took my first Morphine pill when I was 17 years old. I didn't know much about addiction. Was addiction really that bad? How could a substance run your life? Disable you? Make you sick? Kill you? Hell, I had no idea what all of that was about. All I knew was, as soon as I popped that half of a Morphine pill ALL of my pain went away and it didn't hurt that I felt a little loopy. I remember going to my mother, who gave me the pill, and saying "Damn ma, I'm freakin' high!" and laughing hysterically. My mother was also laughing at me. Now, I didn't look like a fool, really. I was high but it wasn't like a drunken high. It was more of a floaty, happy, giggly high. No Pain! It was a wonderful first experience. I had no idea that I had just opened the door to years pain and suffering.
On September 8th of 2008, I took my last pills. It wasn't planned for that day to be my last day using. During that course of my drug use I had found ways to get my boyfriend (Radhames, but we'll call him Rad) to pick up my pills. I had to pay for my pills because I would finish my prescriptions in one day. I would lie to Rad and tell him I was just trying to help my mother out with her need for the same medications. He would give me hundreds of dollars all the while thinking that he was helping my mother. I truly thought he had no idea what was going on. But he did. He knew about my problem nearly the entire time. I'm guessing that he just hoped it would go away. He truly believed he was helping me. Ill never forgive myself for taking advantage of him the way I did.
After a while, I came to terms with the fact that Rad knew about my addiction but I never told him how much I used until I went into Detox. I was taking 25 Tylenol Codeine #4 (highest dose per pill) and 25 two milligram Klonopin a day. I also went out drinking once in a while and I was later told that mixing those drugs with alcohol could have killed me. I was working full time from home and I had absolutely no money and was almost $10,000 in debt. Rad didn't really know about my debt either.
On September 8th of 2008, Rad said he would not go pick up my pills. He refused to contribute or enable my disease any further. I was angry, panicking and instantly became sick. I knew this time was serious but I didn't want to believe it. How could he WANT me to be sick? Did he want me to kill myself? Does he want to see me in pain? He hates me! Everything in the book crossed my mind. I cried and stood up all night. The next day, September 9th, was my 24th birthday.
On my 24th birthday, I went into Detox at a local hospital. I spent the night there and the next day I was told that they couldn't care for an addict of my caliber and they referred me to Arms Acres in the Bronx, New York which was my neighborhood.
I was anxious, restless, angry, sad, violent, suicidal and the list goes on. As far as pain goes I had a headache, stomach pains, severe back and muscle aches and that list can go on forever. All of those symptoms hit me in the first 48 hours. It took roughly 48 hours because I was given a medication that I shouldn't have taken (a narcotic) in the emergency room. So that postponed my symptoms for a while. This journey hasn't been easy at all. As a matter of fact, it's a journey that I would wish on no one. But it is the most eye opening journey of them all and I would be honored to help anyone get through their journey successfully or prevent someone from ever stepping foot on this road.

My name is Stephanie and I'm an addict.